Friday, February 11, 2005

Hitch vs. Hitch

Christopher Hitchens, aka Hitch, is a British-born pundit and literary critic.


Hitch is a romantic comedy starring Will Smith.

Let's compare and contrast.

Hitch is a dating advice guru who loses his super powers when he himself falls in love.
—Hitch is a former radical Leftist (a Trotskyite really) who lost his super powers when he started shilling for the neocons.

—Hitch favors democracy in Iraq and has been a staunch defender of Shiite Pentagon favorite Ahmed Chalabi.
Hitch star Will Smith was once the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air," suggesting he is a Royalist.

—Hitch left behind his Leftist friends at the Nation when he felt they were more worried about John Ashcroft than Osama bin Laden.
Hitch star Will Smith left behind his fans when he started starring in mediocre cash cows like Hitch.

Hitch is famous for feuding with his old sidekick Martin Amis.
Hitch star Will Smith is famous for ditching his old sidekicks DJ Jazzy Jeff and Alfonso Ribero, who played Carlton on "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

—Hitch, known to be a boozy chainsmoker, has advocated ending the drug war in Afghanistan.
Hitch star Will Smith has always maintained the image of the teetolaller.

—Hitch's former fans know they will never see anything as good from him again as "The Trials of Henry Kissinger" series in Harper's in 2000.
Hitch star Will Smith's former fans know they will never see anything as good from him again as "Parents Just Don't Understand."

Verdict: Hitch wins because he maintains one redeeming quality—elegant prose. Hitch just blows.


Blogger Loki said...

Unless you mean "sidekick" to connote a lateral relationship, and not one in which Hitchens has the upper hand, I'm not sure that term applies to his relationship with Kingsley's dwarfish brood. Is that what sidekick means? Now I'm confused.

12:43 PM  
Blogger epugachev said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one whose first thought upon seeing the Hitch trailer listed on was "What the hell? They made a movie about Christopher Hitchens?"

2:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderfully done. Small correction, though: aside from a skirmish over "Koba The Dread", *The* Hitch and Martin Amis have never actually feuded. Amis's famous feud is with Julian Barnes. The Hitch's famous feud is with reality.

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, I think The Hitch's famous feud is with Sidney Blumenfeld, late of the Clinton White House.

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"[S]hilling for the neocons" implies that Hitchens doesn't believe in what he writes and says when quite clearly he does. (insert unimaginative alcoholism insult here).

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The symetry is wonderful -- ex-Trotskyites, neocons, neo-Strausians, Wilsonites, apocalypticians: they all believe in the inexorable march of history, "progress," the historical dialectic (did I mention, crudely, Hegelians) and their own power to change other people to some higher form. Sounds like some idealistic liberals before they learned the hard way to resist the 'modern' Will to Change the World. "Hitch" (vs. The Hitch) has reality firmly in view: life's highest good is happiness (thank you, Aristotle), and the rest is a casual stroll toward totalitanianism.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous cedric c. said...

And also note that Smith's Hitch's first name is Alex, as is C. Hitch's first born (named after A. Cockburn, his godfather). To date, though, the real Alex Hitchens has yet to report to Iraq for liberation duty.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Puskas said...

Is this "Will to change the world", mentioned above, Will Smith, or some other Will entirely?
Enquiring minds need to know...

1:16 PM  
Blogger cmf773 said...

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8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How was it possible that such an idea should enter our brains?
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12:01 AM  

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