Wednesday, April 12, 2006

David Brooks: The Poem

Compiled from the writings of David Brooks in the New York Times over the last seven years.

You want us to know how you feel.
Men want others to recognize their significance.
We want to live near people like ourselves.
People want to destroy us.
I want to claim ownership of my death.

You want to stand up and fight The Man.
The law-and-order types want to close the border.
We want to help boys keep up with girls.
A company that sells to brie people doesn't want to open a store in a Velveeta neighborhood.
I want to tell you about my family unit and what it means to me.

You want to lock the world into an epic war.
Most Americans just want to know the system is under control.
We want to keep up with the Chinese and the Indians.
Men want to trade up when a younger trophy wife comes along.
I want to look you in the eye and pledge I will never pander to you.

You want to throw a dinner party for your friends.
Lower-income individuals want to be like middle- and upper-middle-class people.
We want to make sure that the guy we elect to the White House has lived a life nothing like our own.
My brain wants a comprehensive theory of the whole.
I want a snack that will prevent colorectal cancer!

You really want to reduce world poverty.
The lobbyists want to attend $1,000 cocktail parties.
We want to head off underclass riots.
People want to be able to give a satisfying answer to the cocktail-party question "Where do you work?"
I want money.

You want peace on earth, a unifying system that transcends religious, cultural and caste differences.
People don't want to move back to New Orleans.
We want to remain a just, fluid society.
Nobody wants the Protestant Establishment back.
I don't want a president who sees it that way.

You want to understand why Democrats keep losing elections.
Voters want to know someone is running the country.
We don't actually want to be governed by people like ourselves.
All people want to copy American institutions.
I want an open casket, and in preparation, I'd like a surgeon to get rid of the bags under my eyes.

You want to know what a society looks like when it is in the middle of moral self-repair.
Ivy League sex columnists don't want anybody to think they are loose.
We don't want to look like languid aristocrats.
Cadets want their casual sex just like every other group of young people.
I want to talk to the social conservatives.

You want to suck on the gas pipe.
Mother Nature wants you to have that fourth glass of wine.
We don't want to stare into this abyss.
Everybody just wants the miserable present to go away.
I want to be back at Macy's in half an hour.

You may want to contemplate a major life makeover.
People want immigrants to disappear.
We want bloodlines.
Any writer wants to know what it takes to be one of the best-selling authors of the century.
I want to reiterate that I feel humbled by this experience.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Hitch vs. Hitch

Christopher Hitchens, aka Hitch, is a British-born pundit and literary critic.


Hitch is a romantic comedy starring Will Smith.

Let's compare and contrast.

Hitch is a dating advice guru who loses his super powers when he himself falls in love.
—Hitch is a former radical Leftist (a Trotskyite really) who lost his super powers when he started shilling for the neocons.

—Hitch favors democracy in Iraq and has been a staunch defender of Shiite Pentagon favorite Ahmed Chalabi.
Hitch star Will Smith was once the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air," suggesting he is a Royalist.

—Hitch left behind his Leftist friends at the Nation when he felt they were more worried about John Ashcroft than Osama bin Laden.
Hitch star Will Smith left behind his fans when he started starring in mediocre cash cows like Hitch.

Hitch is famous for feuding with his old sidekick Martin Amis.
Hitch star Will Smith is famous for ditching his old sidekicks DJ Jazzy Jeff and Alfonso Ribero, who played Carlton on "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

—Hitch, known to be a boozy chainsmoker, has advocated ending the drug war in Afghanistan.
Hitch star Will Smith has always maintained the image of the teetolaller.

—Hitch's former fans know they will never see anything as good from him again as "The Trials of Henry Kissinger" series in Harper's in 2000.
Hitch star Will Smith's former fans know they will never see anything as good from him again as "Parents Just Don't Understand."

Verdict: Hitch wins because he maintains one redeeming quality—elegant prose. Hitch just blows.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

The Coming Hipster Social Security Crisis

Dear President Bush,

I invite you to come to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Here you will meet the young people of today, the people for whom you intend to create "voluntary personal accounts."

Look at them—they are shabbily dressed, they have no steady jobs, they are hung over and infected.

Do you expect these young people to accept responsibility for their own futures?

That would be a grave mistake.

These hipsters need the Nanny State.

At some point their trust funds will run out and they will be innovated out of their empty freelance jobs. They will not be able to support themselves by DJing, or starting a band, or publishing a 'zine.

Hungry, poor, their vinatage clothing fraying, their i-pod, they will sell their accumulated bric-a-brac on e-bay, blow the money on smack, and then resort to turning tricks, only to find they are too old and whitered to attract any johns.

Imagine your daughter Jenna without family money.

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

Now imagine her in 2046:

Don't tamper with Social Security, Mr. President. Strengthen it by raising taxes on our parents.

You've been kind to us by waging war without drafting us and keeping us shielded from all the bad news. Just let us keep Social Security—we promise to spend it only on cheap, canned beer, just the kind you used to like.

Todd's Girl

PS—Does Medicare cover STDs or rehab?