Friday, February 11, 2005

Hitch vs. Hitch

Christopher Hitchens, aka Hitch, is a British-born pundit and literary critic.


Hitch is a romantic comedy starring Will Smith.

Let's compare and contrast.

Hitch is a dating advice guru who loses his super powers when he himself falls in love.
—Hitch is a former radical Leftist (a Trotskyite really) who lost his super powers when he started shilling for the neocons.

—Hitch favors democracy in Iraq and has been a staunch defender of Shiite Pentagon favorite Ahmed Chalabi.
Hitch star Will Smith was once the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air," suggesting he is a Royalist.

—Hitch left behind his Leftist friends at the Nation when he felt they were more worried about John Ashcroft than Osama bin Laden.
Hitch star Will Smith left behind his fans when he started starring in mediocre cash cows like Hitch.

Hitch is famous for feuding with his old sidekick Martin Amis.
Hitch star Will Smith is famous for ditching his old sidekicks DJ Jazzy Jeff and Alfonso Ribero, who played Carlton on "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

—Hitch, known to be a boozy chainsmoker, has advocated ending the drug war in Afghanistan.
Hitch star Will Smith has always maintained the image of the teetolaller.

—Hitch's former fans know they will never see anything as good from him again as "The Trials of Henry Kissinger" series in Harper's in 2000.
Hitch star Will Smith's former fans know they will never see anything as good from him again as "Parents Just Don't Understand."

Verdict: Hitch wins because he maintains one redeeming quality—elegant prose. Hitch just blows.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

The Coming Hipster Social Security Crisis

Dear President Bush,

I invite you to come to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Here you will meet the young people of today, the people for whom you intend to create "voluntary personal accounts."

Look at them—they are shabbily dressed, they have no steady jobs, they are hung over and infected.

Do you expect these young people to accept responsibility for their own futures?

That would be a grave mistake.

These hipsters need the Nanny State.

At some point their trust funds will run out and they will be innovated out of their empty freelance jobs. They will not be able to support themselves by DJing, or starting a band, or publishing a 'zine.

Hungry, poor, their vinatage clothing fraying, their i-pod, they will sell their accumulated bric-a-brac on e-bay, blow the money on smack, and then resort to turning tricks, only to find they are too old and whitered to attract any johns.

Imagine your daughter Jenna without family money.

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Now imagine her in 2046:

Don't tamper with Social Security, Mr. President. Strengthen it by raising taxes on our parents.

You've been kind to us by waging war without drafting us and keeping us shielded from all the bad news. Just let us keep Social Security—we promise to spend it only on cheap, canned beer, just the kind you used to like.

Todd's Girl

PS—Does Medicare cover STDs or rehab?